What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

Do you believe that Jesus was God on Earth?

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

I waited trembling.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

What is it like to date a women 20 years younger than yourself?

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Why did i forgive my father ?

I said to her

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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

She loved him until the end.

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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

I think the readers, may guess!

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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Im still living with it.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

What is the worst thing your sibling has done?

I had hoped to write a book about this .

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

I will be 64.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

I couldn’t, believe it.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

When she asked me how she looked .

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

She married twice! .

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Was to survive, this bastard.

My family never makes their pension either.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

One cannot live in the past .

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I was seconnd youngest,

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

This is soul school!.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

We were not on the streets..

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I write beautiful poetry .

Who then, do I blame.?

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Ive learnt so much.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

What did i know ?

The only rule us 5 kids had .

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

But, we were locked up after school.

But ive been too sick for many years..

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

She was in good health!

He was dying to do it , i knew.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

I never cut or harmed myself..

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

I was very sick at this time too.

All the time i was locked up.

It was going to be , some day.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I could never make a relationship work though!

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

My life is so biszare .

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Especially a lifetime of it.

(And it was in our own minds.)

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Put me off passion for life!!

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

He resisted the act ,that day.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

He knew the spot.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

I was 9 years of age.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

I did it because my mum asked me too!

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

We all went to grammer schools

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Would this be the day?

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

She found it foreign!.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

So whats the point in blame.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

She wouldn,t have been !

And i lived it daily.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

But it wasn’t much.

Comes on , in middle age.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

So, i spoilt her more .

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I have no regrets .

I was scared of men, in general

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

As i do to all so called friends.?

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

I don,t even have a pension.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!