What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 01:59
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So whats the point in blame.
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My family never makes their pension either.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Ive learnt so much.
Put me off passion for life!!
How did you get to be a leftist?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was scared of men, in general
All the time i was locked up.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Was to survive, this bastard.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
Comes on , in middle age.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
What are some common examples of condescending behavior?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But ive been too sick for many years..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
It was going to be , some day.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One cannot live in the past .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But, we were locked up after school.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My life is so biszare .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im still living with it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He knew the spot.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She loved him until the end.
I write beautiful poetry .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
So, i spoilt her more .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I said to her
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was seconnd youngest,
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She married twice! .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
This is soul school!.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I have no regrets .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was very sick at this time too.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I don,t even have a pension.
We were not on the streets..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He resisted the act ,that day.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I waited trembling.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Would this be the day?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was 9 years of age.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was in good health!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Who then, do I blame.?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I think the readers, may guess!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I never cut or harmed myself..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But it wasn’t much.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I will be 64.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
What did i know ?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And i lived it daily.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She found it foreign!.
We all went to grammer schools
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.